Sunday, May 14, 2006
I went home last night with a smile on my face, wide awake when I should have been fatigued. Driving in the silent night, listening to symphonic melodies of Franz Liszt, I became aware of the beauty of the stars and the serenity of raindrops on my rooftop. I feel as full as the moon was last night, filled with joyous laughter, inner peace and love. As I fell into my bed, I could hardly sleep, afraid that this feeling would dissipate with the passing hours.
But this evening, I felt the power of that moment, still as strong as it was the night before. I see the stars in his eyes, the heavens in his doting smile and the sound of rain in his voice. He fulfills me, of which I can hardly get enough—and in return, I feel eager as a child to please. He asked me once what I wanted from him. I didn’t know at the time, but now I feel the answer rising in my bones, calling out to me in the darkness. I want the full moon.
Monday, May 15, 2006
He wrote of stars and planets, the changing seasons and the senses, each significant by the numerals they represent. Five and thirteen, the day he whispered in my ear, just as he’d hoped to do. It’s me here with you, he said pressed against my neck. He wrapped his arm around my head and entwined his fingers in my hair.
I asked you what I could do to make you happy, he wrote. It was a concern of mine that if you didn’t know what made you happy, I could not either. I observed you, watched you and acted. My fingers were crossed more than once, you know? Now as we learn each other, I don’t have to be so conscious. I can simply be.
5.13. May 13. Saturday.
5. May. Mercury. The perfect fifth. The musical staff. Ocean. Senses. Tastes. Quincunx. Pentagram. 5 elements. Rose petals.
13. Elara. Last Supper. Constellations. Mayer.
5.13.
Both natural numbers bringing together 2 people.
5. Stands for communication. No lie. Communication is what, in a large sense, brought us as close as we have gotten, no?
13. Is more complicated. 5 is straightforward. 13 is tricky. 13 signifies the end of a cycle. 13 initiates the start of a new order. There are 13 lunar months in a year (we both know this). The sum of 13 is 91, which is each number of days in a season. 13 ends. 13 is also the start of the new. 13 brings maturity. For the Jewish, 13 is the age of adulthood. They also bring the 13 attributes of the mercy of God. 13 is also a number of fear. 13 brings apprehension and uncertainty. 13 represents the human fear of the unknown.
5.13. Saturday. 2 people enjoyed each other’s company. 1 person was left drained. 1 person left, observing the full moon and beginning to realize what she wants.
To a large extent, I’m glad you didn’t “13th floor” me and skip me [to go] directly to the 14th floor. On the 13th floor there is the unknown, but also the start of something new. Something beautiful.
He called me amorcita, and I smiled. I was happy for his love, but I had an overwhelming sense of guilt for what I’d helped destroy. It plagued me in my loneliness. As though being punished, I saw signs everywhere—a car, a shirt, a laugh, a song, a street sign—brutal reminders of the crime against my Heart across the sea.
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