I was alarmed by my sudden happiness. In part, I suppose I felt that I didn’t deserve to feel this way. In my heart I knew a decision must be made, and soon—for while I had passed the point of walking away from him without being hurt—in my naiveté, I believed that I might have spared him by disappearing into the background.
In the early days, I warned him not to fall in love with me, somehow convinced he would heed my admonition. I warned him not to want me or want to be near me.
Don’t want to hold me, don’t say these things, don’t touch my hand or caress my cheek with your eyes, my mind screamed red. Don’t want what I can’t give you.
I warned him not to love me—immediately recognizing the symptoms for disaster—but in my innermost thoughts, I wanted him too.
It was well past midnight by that time,
The two of us having spent all afternoon, evening
And early morning keeping company.
I really want to kiss you right now,
He said under stars and moonlit sky.
I looked away from him,
Hard intent on staring
Out the window of his car.
Don't, I said,
But when I did, I didn't know
To whom I spoke, to him
Or to myself.
Here's to Honor!
And to Virtue,
Both of which I guarded
Well by moonlight
And by fire.
The night he confessed his love for me, there was no turning back. I made up my mind to do what was right, to act according to honor, duty, and unwavering loyalty. Just friends, I told him; it pained me when those words departed from my lips. I hurt him with profundity in my decision, and he left me to sit alone in the dark with regret.
That night I slept without dreaming, a deep trance-like state of blissful non-existence. My battle had been fought, violently and with much suffering, but my conscience rested easy, for it had won the day.
We tried to deprive ourselves of feeling, but circumstance would not allow it. We remained together, and went through all manner of the most unusual series of events, including many drunken hours of parties, clubbing, conversation—which more often than not, led to altercation—and my personal favorite, multiple car accidents. Looking back at it now, I can laugh, but then I wanted to rip my hair out and scream. In my pent up frustration, I danced until the morning hours, drank until I retched and punched walls until blood flowed freely from my hand. Through all this, he was there with me and for me, when the one who should have had his place was never there.
While all of this went on at home, my Heart waited for me across the water. He sat by his computer, impatiently awaiting news from me. He sent message after message, only to receive a few short words in return. I could not bring myself to tell him of the struggle I’d faced off with, and so I found less and less to say to him. I often promised to write him twice in a day, and forgot; some days I didn’t write at all. The petty excuses made were not enough to fool him. He recognized the change in me, and came to doubt my love, while I celebrated my born-again independence.
I cannot imagine what pain I caused him in those days, the suffering he must have endured for my sake, the suspicions my actions aroused. And he, the jealous and desperate lover, took pains to call me in all instances when he shouldn’t.
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